Why Can’t I Get Over My Ex?
Romantic relationships can be some of the most profoundly influential relationships in our lives and can be sources of validation, empathy and safety, if they are healthy. The breakup isn’t only about losing that person but your daily routine, the morning texts, your plans for the future, feeling regularly connected, tethered and anchored to another human. One partner choosing to end the relationship may make you feel uncertain about the present and future, and have a deep emotional impact, which may feel frustrating and difficult to understand. Ultimately, it may leave you thinking: why can’t I just get over it?
You may be grieving
It is normal for a breakup to take time to heal. specially if that person meant a lot to you or if you saw a future with them. There are five stages to grief though we only tend to focus on depression and sadness, grief is much more complex than that:
Denial- difficulty coming to terms with the event
Anger- feeling angry, irritated “out of nowhere,” annoyed, short tempered
Bargaining- “if only” thought patterns (more on this below)
Sadness- depressed mood, crying, low motivation, hopelessness
Acceptance- coming to terms with the event
Though I’ve numbered these “stages,” it is important to understand that grief is NOT linear, there is no first second and third. Grief is complex and comes in waves. You can be okay one minute, feel irritated the next, sad the next hour and enter acceptance right after that only to re-experience anger. And that is okay. The most important part of grief is to allow yourself to feel your feelings and to understand them. Don’t rush yourself through them because that doesn’t work.
Therapy, talking to friends, engaging and self care can be helpful ways to manage grief but grief takes time.
Early attachment styles may be impacting you
Within framework of attachment theory, attachment style can give us some insight into some of the the post-breakup coping style that a person will develop. Psychology Today notes that “Attachment theory proposes that your closest adult relationships can represent a pattern that follows along the lines of your earliest relationship with your primary caregiver (often the mother). These patterns are best described, Eisma et al. propose, along the two dimensions of attachment anxiety (fear of being abandoned) and attachment avoidance (a desire to avoid closeness).” Those with secure attachment styles, in theory, should have less disruption after a breakup or ending any close relationship- their self-worth isn’t on the line.
You may be experiencing rumination
Rumination is like having consistent thoughts going in a “loop” playing in your head. They could be of certain situations, scenarios, things that were and could have been, “if only this were true… then this… would have happened” kind of thought patterns. In the grief stages, this thought pattern would be considered the bargaining stage. And although it may be particularly likely to occur after a breakup, there are individuals more given to this cognitive style who engage in it frequently for example people with high anxiety.
Contact with your ex may be setting you back
Whether it be through messages, phone, by seeing each other, being intimate or following each other on social media, having contact with your ex will inevitably make it harder to get over them. Setting boundaries that feel good to you and work for you is essential. If that means continuing to be friends with them, that is okay. If that means blocking them on all social media, that is also okay as well. They key takeaway is to be authentic to your own needs and set clear AND consistent boundaries for yourself with your with stick with them.
How cope with the breakup
If indeed the goal of adapting to the loss of a romantic partner is the ability to feel whole on your own, to deattach and find a sense of fulfillment elsewhere, understanding where you are in the process of grief, rumination, attachment style and boundary-setting will help you gain perspective through this journey. Are you stuck in rumination? When you’re in need of help, reassurance, or just someone to talk to, is it your ex-partner you continually want run back to? Do you have trouble sitting with your feelings or understanding them? Do you have trouble setting boundaries? Do you consistently find yourself idolizing your ex or the relationship even though you know it’s not based on facts? Understanding where you are in your journey, creating a new and healthier support network and learning to feel your feelings is key in your journey to deattchment.
Psychology Today noted “the process of yearning” (holding on to a past relationship) is real and the breakup process can trigger deep emotional scars that can trigger feelings of mourning. It can be reassuring to know that the pain of a dissolved relationship is worthy of attention and validation. It is also one that can be eventually overcome. Being unable to be close to the person who was once the center of your universe may require deliberate effort, but it is an outcome that can help you potentially find new and unexplored areas of fulfillment, independence and growth. Therapy can be a great place to explore and process grief from a breakup.
